i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Holy shit dude........stairs
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
