Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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