Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
