By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
