Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
