I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
