I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
