i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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