WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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