Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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