i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
