This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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