you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
