i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
