he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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