We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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