Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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