Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
