if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
