you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
