Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
