Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
