i need an iv and a liver transplant
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
