I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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