Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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