My liver just broke up with me...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
