I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
