If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
