I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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