Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
