I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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