Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
