I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
