The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
