You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
