Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
