My Higher Power is John Stamos
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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