I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
