I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize