hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He uses pillows to masturbate.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
