After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
