No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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