i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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