I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
