Your face is a jimmy john
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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