btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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