Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
