Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
