jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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