If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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