Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
