Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
