I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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