ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize