I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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