If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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